Thgiliwt
by UnicornFucker
Summary: Twilight, how it should of been done. This is for the lulz
1. Chapter 1

**I'm basically the dictionary meaning for WTF, so you've been warned that this could get weird. This is pretty much the whole Twilight book but with a twist!**

So here I am at forks. My mum like,forced me to come here after she kicked me out of the house, for getting in the way of her Phil's relationship. She's like SO touchy! Just because I took my clothes off and joined them in bed while they were doing it, doesn't mean I was interfering! I mean, its completely natural to gas your mother's husband then push him in a van, tie him up and tape his mouth then drag him to Vegas and get married to him by a guy dressed in an Elvis costume who _may _have had their drink spiked with rohypnol. I just wanted to get to know Phil better...

Aaanyway, I'm cooking this meat that I'm pretty sure is beef or whatever that Charlie gave to me. He had just come home from work and was dragging this lump with hair and clothes on it and stuff and he was, like carrying this sphere shaped thing in his hand by the stringy stuff. He hung up his gun belt and put his chainsaw up against the wall, handed me the head which I thought would make a fucking awesome roast which i put in the oven and then he just started looking at me like a fucking unicorn or something while I made dinner. He looked at me for a little longer then took the body and grabbed an axe from the cupboard and headed downstairs to the basement.

I looked at the roast that was in the oven and looked at the temperture.

"Oh fuck! CHARLIE! HOW DO YOU TURN THE FUCKING OVEN ON?"

"Fucking piece of shit." I mumbled as I kicked the oven so hard that my toe started bleeding and Charlie ran up from the basement and started sucking on it so the blood would stop running.

OH MY GOD! He's like the BEST dad ever! He's so kind and shit like that. Aaaawwwee! And look now he's swallowing my foot!

Suddenly I started feeling kinda faint and just fell over and hit my head on the sink and passed out. The last thing I felt was Charlie sucking my head...

xoxoxoxoxox

I woke up the next morning to this weird slurping sound and I looked down and saw Charlie sucking on my arm. OH MY GOD! He's so totally affectionate and shit! But I didn't have time for this so I pushed Charlie out the window and got ready for school.

I was ready for school so I went outside and got into this red hunk of metalic shit. As I pulled out of the driveway I waved good bye to Charlie who was up the tree and looking at me through his binoculars.

I soon arrived at school at and everyone turned to look at me. Wow this is so cool, everyone like totally loves me! I stopped the engine and got out. Straight away there was like ten guys coming up to me and grabbing and feeling and shit like that. OH MY GOD! This is so cool! Eveyone is like totally in love with me. But I had to get to class so I took out my blowtorch and burned them until they turned like all black and flaky and shit like that. OH MY GOD! I am so fucking awesome, aren't I!

I walked to the office to get my timetable and all that shit and saw this fat chick at this shitty little piece of wood typing on a box thing.

"Hi, are you like big momma or something? Because you're like totally massive!" I asked her. She punched me in the face then kicked my vagina. She then grabbed my face and bashed it into the desk. She took out a meat cleaver and started hitting my legs so that I fell over and started hitting my back. OH MY GOD! This school is so nice! I never knew the people here responded like this to others, it's so cool to experience this cultural experience shit experience.

The fat chick stopped expressing her love to me and I picked myself up then she punched me in the stomache again before answering me. I giggled, it tickled.

"No you dumb bitch! I'm the school secretary, you fucking slut! I work at the desk you little piece of shit, motherfucker! Do I look black to you?"

I looked at her closely for like twenty minutes, I cocked my head to the side to look at her closer.

"OH! Speaking of cocks, I wanna fuck someone, excuse me fat chick."

"What are you talking about maggot? We weren't talking of cocks, dumb ass." Then she took out her sword that started glowing and shit while these guys got on their knees and started worshipping her and shit, then she stabbed me in the gut. I yawned. I was getting bored so I took my clothes off and pranced outside like a elephant and just stood in the rain.

Immedietly after leaping outside, fifty guys tackled me and dragged me behind the bushes. OH MY GOD! This is so fun! I love playing with cocks! So after about two hours or something the guys got off me. I felt like there was something wet in my bellybuttom so I opened it up and immedietly this white goo started pouring out like a waterfall. I giggled, it tickled!

I put my clothes back on walked to the cafeteria. When I got there I realised that I didn't have any money, so I went in line and when it was my turn to order I pulled out my bazooka from my panties and blew the cafeteria staff's head. I grabbed my tray but before I left I scooped some red stuff from the table and sucked it off my finger.

"Mmmm. Not bad." I thought out loud and walked over to an empty table. As soon as I sat down all these guys sat with me as well. OH MY GOD! They're so welcoming! As I started eating the cafeteria doors opened and in came these pale ugly people. They sat down at a table. This big dude in the group took his clothes off and started humping this blonde chick's leg, she tried to shake him off, but soon gave up. There was this tall guy who was screaming curse words and shit and this skinny midget girl who was just staring at me. Oh, and there was also this lame emo guy.

I thought i should introduce myself so I went over there. When I got to the table I noticed the skinny midget was actually vibrating. WOW! How cool would that be in bed and shit! She was grinning at me so widely that her face split in half but she kept smiling. The blonde guy turned to me.

"WHAT NEVER SEEN A FUCKING GUY WITH FUCKING TOURETTES? FUCK, FUCK YOU BITCH, MOTHER FUCKER!" He was like all twitching and stuff, it was so cool **(AN: Sorry if I offended anyone here, I have the utmost respect for people with Tourettes, so im sorry!)**

The big dude kept on humping the blonde's leg, the blonde who was looking at me in a funny way, pounced on me the started ripping pieces of flesh off me. OH MY GOD! She's such a nice person! The emo guy pulled her off me and I got up. He came over to me so close and started staring at my collar bone, he started stroking it with his hand and then stuck his tongue out and licked it, his eyes grew wide and hungry then he just full on attacked me and started sucking away. I giggled,it tickled.

The midget chick got up on the table and hugged me so hard that I heard a crack. I giggled, it tickled. When I giggled she giggled, she started giggling so much that she bounced around, I giggled at how funny she was making her giggle even harder that she began to bounce off the walls, again i started laughing and so did she that her head exploded! I laughed so loud that my head exploded as well. I passed out and hit my collarbone on the big dudes penis, i hit it so hard that i heard and crack and shit. The last thing I heard was emo's cry.

"NNNNNNNNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

**AN: Okay, so as I warned this story os totally fucked up. So I warn you, it may just get weirder. I have wrtitten other stories before and have never finished but I think that this one might be different because it's more in my area of experitse!Tell me what you think guys and I'll update sooner than you can what the fuck!**


	2. Author's Note: HELP!

Ok, so I need ideas, tell me what you like in the story, because I'm writing the second chapter and to be honest it's not really funny! What characters do you like the most? Who do you hate? Who would you like to see more of? I'll probably post the seconde chapter any way but it won't be as funny as the first, and it will be short but whatever! So please review and tell me what you think. Chapter 2 coming soon!


	3. Chapter 2

**Ok, so I'm going to try and write Chapter 2 **_**again**_**, I tried writing a paragraph twice but it didn't seem right or funny! I need to be hyped up like I was when I wrote the first chapter so, I've had a coffee and I've now got one energy drink in hand –or I guess on the desk since I need both hands for typing- and I'm ready!**

When I woke up I was back at my shit hole and emo dude was putting candles around the room and people were like bowing down and like worshipping my collarbone, and he like started to massage it with oil and stuff. OH MY GOD! How fucking awesome are they! But I didn't have time for this so I pulled out my Mario Firepower Flower and turned in to this fucking awesome fire dude dressed in red and like white and I just totally threw a fire ball at emo dude and all my fucking awesome worshippers. OH MY GOD! How fucking awesome am I! They like exploded and I started doing the moonwalk and shit. But then I stopped.

"CHARLIE, HOW DO YOU DO THE FUCKING MOONWALK?"

I went downstairs and I noticed I was like totally naked and shit.

"YAY, IT'S MY FUCKING BIRTHDAY SUIT!" I was so happy that I did some of my ninja moves and accidentally cut off the massive dude's penis, who was like totally having a fucking threesome with my cat and Charlie. OH MY GOD! I'm so like totally FUCKING awesome! Suddenly the massive dude's penis started moving and pulled out this totally fucking awesome army tank from his ball sack and like totally blew my fucking head off! OH MY GOD! How fucking cool is Hulk dude's dick! My cat then crawled over to me and these big blade things came out of his knuckles like that fucking hot wolf guy and stabbed them in my eyes. OH MY GOD! My cat is so fucking cute!

Charlie had stopped licking his own balls and was staring at me like I was fucking Borat's crotch or whatever. He started eating my foot again. I giggled, it tickled.

Then suddenly sex toy smashed in through the window and started screaming and vibrating.

"I'M A FUCKING LEPRECHAUN! LEPRECHAUNS FOR LIFE, BITCHES!' Then sex toy took out a four leaf clover from her fucking nose and I screamed.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!OH MY FUCKING GOD IT'S A FUCKING CLOVER!!!!!!!!!!! AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! A _FOUR_ LEAF CLOVER!" I started hyperventilating and shit like that and crying like a fucking camel and shit. WHAT THE FUCK WAS SHE DOING WITH A FUCKING FOUR LEAF CLOVER! I THOUGHT SHE WAS A FUCKING SEX TOY!

"Oh speaking of sex toys! CHARLIE HOW DO YOU TURN ON A FUCKING SEX TOY!"

Then Tourette's guy smashed through the cupboard and screamed.

"NOBODY WAS FUCKING TALKING ABOUT FUCKING SEX TOYS! YOU FUCKING PROSITUTE! MANWHORE! SHITFACE! CAMEL TOE! NAIL POLISH REMOVER!"

I started to cry.

"I'M NOT FUCKING NAIL POLISH REMOVER!" I sobbed. But then sex toy started vibrating on my foot and I giggled, it tickled.

She kept on vibrating on my foot as these sex toy clones came from this beam of light and started dancing and skipping around me and throwing flowers and shit.

Charlie who had a been dissecting hulk man's penis started staring at me like I was the fucking loch ness monster!

"Oh speaking of loch ness monster! CHARLIE WHY IS THERE A FUCKING OOMPA LOOMPA IN THE FREAZER?" Charlie stopped dissecting the penis, looked at me like I was fucking Harry Potter's uni brow and then got on Homer Simpson's back and smashed through the back door.

"WHAT DOES THE FUCKING LOCH NESS MONSTER HAVE FUCKING ANYTHING TO DO WITH FUCKING OOMPA LOOMPA'S YOU FUCKING DUMB BITCH!? SPAZ! NUMB NUTS! BITCH TITS! CROTCH STAIN! DINGGLEBERRY!"

"NNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOO! NOT A DINGGLEBERRY!"

I got so upset that I grabbed an iron and threw it at his head.

"FUCK! Fuck….. fuck….fuuuuck." I was so happy that I threw sex toy off my foot, throwing her into a moving fan and started krumping. I was dancing really well until I slipped on sex toy's mucus, I fell and hit my head on a lamp.

"YOU CAN'T DANCE FOR SHIT BITCH!" then he picked up a spongebob and threw it at my head.

"HAHAHAHAH! Let's play catch!" I said then I threw it back to him so hard that spongebob's nose poked his eyeball out.

"AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! MY FUCKING EYE! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!! Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries, you stringy inbred genital wart who dances with the lewd crackhead and the snooty slug!"

"HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!" Spongebob and I laughed. Then suddenly Spongebob stopped laughing, turned to me and made his head do a 360 while his eyes rolled to the back of his head.

"DIE MOTHERFUCKER!" He screamed then Harry Potter came out of his nose.

"AVADA KADARVA!" He shouted. I started feeling all tingly. I giggled, it tickled.

"WHAT! HOW CAN THAT BE! THAT WAS A FUCKING UNFORGIVABLE CURSE! THAT WAS SUPPOSED TO FUCKING KILL YOU! YOU TWAT CHOPS!"

I giggled, twat chops.

Then suddenly people in snuggies came out of the oven and threw a banana at my head.

The last thing I remember was Amy Whinehouse offering me a crack pipe…

**Wooooooooo! I did it *starts dancing then slips on Emmett's dick*. Last time you guys reviewed the last chapter I only got two review and that sucked but when I checked out how many people and visited my story there were about 46 visitors to my story and that's pretty good for a parody. So PLEASE review this time, show me your love, and if it's ok tell me what you love most about this story, about the characters because I'd really like to find out to make this story better. SHOW ME SOME LOVE AND PLEASE REVIEW!**


End file.
